Beware the forwarded emails

You know the ones I mean.  They've been forwarded to about a thousand people, they have about 8 different fonts, all larger than size 16, they're the most offensive goddam things on the planet.

I just received one from an older friend and I know exactly what he was thinking when he sent it.  "Oh this is great!  Everyone will love it!"

HA.  HA.

So I'm reposting it in it's entirety so I can respond to the points without starting an email war that I could never win.

My commentary in italics, and 12 point.

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:  Men Are Just Happier People -

Totally, because blanket statements are a great way to start 

-  What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Yes, of course!  Husband didn't you know you were a simple creature?  No feelings for you! 

Your last name stays put.

Isn't that handy? And well contrived from centuries of patriarchy! 

The garage is all yours.

Yep, the garage belongs to my hus- oh WAIT.  NO IT DOESN'T.  Because my husband is an individual person who doesn't like hands on stuff, whereas I, love to fool around with a wood shop and power tools.  Clearly I am an aberration of nature.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Well, that's amazing.  Clearly I've been doing things wrong. 

Chocolate is just another snack.

Wait, you mean it isn't some horrible diet destroying love ending substance from which there is no escape that I should never eat but constantly feel guilty about eating? 

You can be President.

...I can't even... 

You can never be pregnant.

Uh, unless you're a trans person who decides to become pregnant.  Oh that's right, those people are just made up by the liberals, AMIRITE?! 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

And so can I. 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

And so can I. Though these water parks are in horrible, freethinking socialist places, so you probably aren't interested.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Isn't it awesome that it's totally ok for a car mechanic to cheat ladies, but it's somehow not ok for an IT person to do the same thing?  Just a thought that maybe your sense of justice DOESN'T EXIST.

The world is your urinal.

Public urination.  Totally manly and only illegal if you don't know the cop!  Hooray for police discrimination and human waste everywhere! 

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

Amazing what not having to touch gross things with your genitals can do for your sense of toilet discrimination.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

True, because men inherently know this.  Like geese flying south for the winter and finding their way home in the spring. Oh wait, THE GEESE HAVE TO LEARN IT TOO.

Same work, more pay.

Blatant sex discrimination!  So fun!  Gotta keep those wimmen in line! This way they'll just give up and stay in the kitchen 

Wrinkles add character.

Fuck you, I love my crow's feet.  I'm gonna be an awesome weird, old lady. 

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

Wedding dresses can cost that much.  Or you can be like everyone who isn't on Say Yes to the Dress and not pay that much.  Or you can be like me (and I'm sure many others) who bought my dress at Ross for $14.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

Well, considering a lot of men's chests are eye height for me, this is pretty untrue. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

I'm guessing this person has never broken in men's dress shoes? Either that or my husband is doing something wrong. 

One mood all the time.

Totally true!  Husband never displays any emot-.  Wait, no, still total bullshit. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

For many of my friends with telephone anxiety, yes. They are not all men. 

You know stuff about tanks.

I quizzed the husband.  He came up with "They... move?" 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Yeah, for both of us.  Because I, the lady, packed it.

You can open all your own jars.

Yep, from the time my dad died, till the time I got married I had to go without jam. Or not. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If you're an uncaring, emotionally withholding asshole. 

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

This applies to everyone who doesn't hold grudges for fun. 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

These people have apparently never been to Fred Meyer.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

Yes.  However, I don't begrudge anyone for enjoying more...

You almost never have strap problems in public.

If you have ever watched a football or baseball game you know this to be complete bullshit. 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

That's kind of true, at least based on my experience with husband.

Everything on your face stays its original color..

Only true if you don't use makeup. Because some men do and some women don't. But right, another liberal invention. 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

Um, my mom rocked her hairstyle for 25 years and I am well on my way to following. 

You only have to shave your face and neck.

Correction, you can shave all or nothing too. 

You can play with toys all your life.

Yes.  We ladies don't have any fun after we stop playing with dollies.  We're just too busy making sandwiches.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

Can we try, one color till they wear out?  Or, as many fucking colors as you feel like?

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..

True, because the shorts police are pretty serious in my area.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

... That's a bit dangerous and also a torture technique.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Right!  Because as a lady I can only do what my man says I can do with my body hair! 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives  On December 24 in 25 minutes.

It's called Amazon one day shipping.

No wonder men are happier.

Gotta love the patriarchy! 

Men Are Just Happier People NICKNAMES  · If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.  · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman ..

I have never heard men do this.  Who the hell does do it?  I seriously think this was a tv invention.

EATING OUT  · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back...  · When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Um, no.  I have never, ever heard of people of any gender who do this. 

MONEY  · A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.  · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

I don't know why the man version is better.

BATHROOMS  · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.  · The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Husband can identify all of my bathroom items. Especially since he's the one who bought the fancy lotion for me. Also, I don't know who has a bathroom that can hold that much stuff.

ARGUMENTS  · A woman has the last word in any argument.  · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Are husband and I freaks because we don't communicate like this?

FUTURE  · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.  · A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

YEP. VICIOUS LIFE AND MONEY SUCKING SHREWS. OH THOSE WIMMEN. 

MARRIAGE  · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.  · A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

This is why there are help columns.  Because people have poor expectations of relationships from shit like this. 

DRESSING UP  · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.  · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Yep!  We wimmen have learned our places as decorative items well.

NATURAL  · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed...  · Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Checked with husband. "You look the same after waking up as you do after sex.  I have NO complaints." 

OFFSPRING  · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.  · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Absentee parenting!  It's the best! 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY  A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Sure, because in no way is marriage a two way street or anything where you should support your partner...

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ....

HA. HA.     HA. 

and to the men who will enjoy reading it..

This whole thing came with the title "Gender Truisms" which told me I was in for a delightful ride of sexism.  I think the one that gets me the most was the "You can be president!" line.  Closely followed by the "send it to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it".  Translation: send it to the women who know their place and aren't going to be angry that you're celebrating sex discrimination.

*RAGEFLAIL*